and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
