Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't turn off my feet"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
