I accidentally burped into my bong.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
