D3 body, D1 cock
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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