is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
