can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
