Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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