Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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