just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You can't just leave with hair like that
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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