the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize