He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize