that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
