I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize