Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
