That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
