Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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