Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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