I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize