I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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