Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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