I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
