I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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