I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
