guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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