We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
