Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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