I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
