my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
