I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
