i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
