I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
