ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
