Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
