So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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