Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
