Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
