Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
