I cannot find my penis.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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