Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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