grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
