Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
