i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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