So drunk its hurt
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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