when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
