so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
