I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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