eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
