I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
