I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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