I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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