my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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