If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You may now shotgun with the bride
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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