why didn't you poke me back
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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