I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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