is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
home. puking in laundry basket.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
