she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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