I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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