I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
