i jhust puked up my retainher.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
