Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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